My Boy
Friend Is a Rat
On J’Marcus, two pounds of emotional support man, and why loving something the world flinches at is the most uncommon thing I do.
Let me clear something up about the poster. “Meet My Boyfriend” was never a bit. J’Marcus is a rat. He lives in my house, he rides my shoulder like a tiny parade marshal, and he is one of the great loves of my life. People keep waiting for the punchline. There isn’t one.
Tell someone you love a dog and they melt. Tell them you love a rat and their face does something complicated. I’ve watched it happen at parties: the flinch, the polite recovery, the “wait, really?” Rats are the most maligned animal in the building. Centuries of bad press, zero publicists.
Which should sound familiar, if you’ve read anything else on this site. I built a whole publication on one idea: the most valuable things are overlooked first.
Here’s what the flinchers never learn. Rats laugh. Tickle them right and they chirp with joy, pitched too high for human ears. I know because I am certified in this. An actual certificate, from Purdue University, in rat tickling. Of everything I’ve ever put on a résumé, it’s the credential I’d defend to the death.
Think about what that laughter means. Joy that exists whether or not anyone is around to hear it, whether or not anyone claps. Every week I try to build rooms that work like that, and my boyfriend does it for free in a hoodie pocket, for an audience of one certified professional.
He’s loyal. He’s curious. He’s a little dramatic, and he would commit crimes for a snack. He’s also the reason I get out of bed some mornings, which is a lot of job for a very small man, and he does it without ever knowing he has it.
And there’s the part nobody says out loud: a rat’s life is short. Everyone who loves one knows the math going in and signs up anyway. I think that might be the most uncommon thing about this whole arrangement. Joy with a deadline, chosen on purpose, at full volume.
That’s the editorial position of this entire publication, honestly. Find the thing everyone else flinches at. Get closer. Learn its language. Let it ride on your shoulder.
He was the first thing I ever put on the masthead. Profile Nº 000. Everyone who gets profiled after him is being measured against a rat, and most people should be flattered.
He set the bar. Everyone profiled after him is trying to live up to it.